Pleasing Pearl

What's more exciting than a room full of skinny pregnant girls talking about breastfeeding? How about a depressed, drunk, semi-suicidal 23yr old boy that just got back from Iraq? Welcome to the wild weekend update from the life of LipSmacker!

Last week was spent making preparations for Blonde Baby Momma's baby shower on Saturday. The shower turned out great and I got to see all of my favorite cousins, who sat around in a corner and trash-talked about the other in-laws in the family. Overall the event was a hit and my soon-to-be nephew now has more clothes than Paris Hilton.

Besides my mother's friends coming up to me all day to look at my diamond "non-engagement" ring, the worst part of the day was when Blonde Baby Momma complained that (even at 8.5 months along) she can't find any maternity clothes in a size 2! When I asked her about the cute Maxi dress she had on, she told me it was a "normal" dress from Old Navy but it made her look fat so she shortened it into a Maxi-Mini! Seriously! However, the best part of the day was when I asked her where I could find a spatula and she had no idea what a spatula looked like! "It has a rubber thingy, right?" No honey, the rubber thingy is what you should have put on before Cop Brother knocked you up!

Honestly people, I can't make this shit up!

After the shower, I just wanted to get home, take off my bra and pour a drink. I really didn't have any plans to go out but S called and convinced me to meet her for a casual drink at the Junkyard. One drink turned into 6, plus shots and by the end of the night E had joined us and I was inviting the whole bar back to my place for more drinks! Unfortunately, when we got to my place, I only had a half empty bottle of vodka so we moved the party over to E's house.

Somewhere along the way, E had aquired the company of a young stranger who I continued to refer to all night as "12 year old guy". Not long after we all got settled in with drinks and company, Cute Bouncer guy paired off with E and they disappeared to the golf course while I was left with "Asshole Bouncer" guy who downloaded metal rock on her iTunes all night, "I-swear-he's-gay" guy that was passed out on the couch and "12-year-old" guy, who I realized was almost crying by himself in the corner.

Three more shots and a glass of wine later, 12 year old guy and I were sitting on E's bed as I rubbed his back and listened to him cry to me about how he just wants to find someone to love. When I asked him about the cuts on his wrist (across, not up and down), he confessed that he did it on purpose and was having nightmares about his time served in Iraq.

When he finally passed out, mid-smoke on the patio table, I grabbed my keys an took off for home. A bit insensitive I know, but Car Boy being gone, losing my job, psycho ex-girlfriends and size 2 pregnant in-laws are nothing compared to that kind of drama!!! E called me round 4:30am and told me that cute boncer guy gave 12 year old boy a safe ride home and he was fine. Lucky for her, then cute bouncer guy came back and made out with her until 8 am!

Best part of the weekend? When I followed a trail of wet puppy paw prints back into the kitchen where I found this soaking wet mess playing in her water bowl! I just can't get mad this cute little scruffy face!!!