Candy Creme

Are you ready? Got your tickets? Got your Jail Bait viewing glasses?

Can I get a Wolf! Wolf!

Me and the BGFs are going to the 10pm showing on Friday night so I'll have to tell you all about it on Monday but if you don't get a chance to go see it, then I insist that you read this instead! (Warning, you are bound to laugh so hard you might pee yourself so you might want to view it in private!)

"New New Moon" by Jen Lancaster

For those of you with tickets already - Happy drooling!

Red Reflections

So part of me thinks that breaking up with Bartender Boy is part of the therapy to get over everything that happened with Car Boy. The ironic thing is that every time I would be on my way to meet up with Bartender Boy, I would be in mental agony over some aspect of my relationship with Car Boy!

So, today I took puppy to the vet for her last shot at the vet and after the appointment, I stopped by the groomer to make an appointment for a trim so she would look pretty for our family holiday events. Car Boy had sworn to me that she was a Cockapoo (Cockerspanial and Poodle mix) but after he left me with her and I began to taker her around to the dog parks, I began notice that no one believed her to have any Cocker in her. The groomer confirmed that for me today and said that she is more Maltese or Yorkie mix.

I don't care if she is half human, half pig, I still love her to death. Unfortunately, what I am having a hard time with is the fact that EVERYTHING that Car Boy told me was a Fucking lie. He couldn't even fucking tell the truth about the fucking dog that he spoiled to death!!!! The dog that hated me at first and then he left me with! The dog that belonged to his "real" girlfriend that was in jail most of the time we dated.

I. Hate. Him. Forever.

I think about every day that I put up with Car Boy and this dog in the beginning. I think about all of the excuses he made for her and how she hated me at first. And it breaks my heart to see that now she and I are all we have and he fucking screwed us both.

Unfortunately, Bartender Boy represented alot of things that I needed to deal with regarding my relationship with Car Boy and I wish things had been different but I can't take that back now. I need to move on.

Breaking up with Bartender Boy broke my heart too but not in the same way... I wish things had been different but I can't control life so I have to live thru experience...

Apparently, I am still hurting from my relationship with Car Boy... That sucks.

Longing Lustre

I wanted to write this post this morning but today has been the day of errands that take three times longer than they should! If only I carried a shotgun with me at all times!!!

First of all, let me start this post by addressing a comment "Marquis" wrote on my last post:

"so, if he gave his number to a girl he "wasn't attracted to", similar to the reasoning why it's okay for you to give this girl your number, that would be fine and dandy?"

Well Marquis, I'm glad you asked! In fact, as my one token male reader that faithfully reads and comments on my blog, I saw it coming! Because Bartender Boy said the same thing to me... So here is my answer:

I would have had the maturity to stop and ask questions first before I overreacted! Having not seen what led up to that, I would have asked what it was all about first! Or if maybe perhaps she was someone that he already knew! To be honest, Bartender Boy always had a barrage of random girls come up to him that knew him from school/work/gym/life/etc. Many of them asked for his number right in front of me and would often text him to come join them and their friends at various events - I NEVER ONCE THREW A FIT OR ASSUMED HE WAS CHEATING ON ME!!!

With that said, I want to share with you what has transpired in the last 48 hours.

Shortly after all was said and done, I was on Spacebook (or as my mother calls it, "MyFace") and decided that I might as well update my personal info to remove Bartender Boy as my "relationship". The next morning I got this FB message from him:

"I know it had to be changed... but still sucks..."

So, I felt bad for him and wrote him back a quick message:

"Bartender Boy,

I'm sorry you got hurt and I wish things had been different, I think we would have been better off if we had only ever been friends. This is why I don't like to rush relationships, because you don't get time to really get to know each other until it's too late.

You and I are always going to be standing on opposite sides of the road and at times we stood in the middle but never on the same side. I know you think I never tried enough but that is exactly why I knew it was time to move on because I could never get you to understand how things looked from my side of the road and vice-versa.

Anyway, I wish that we could still be friends because I did enjoy hanging out with you when we weren't arguing or trying to put the relationship under a microscope but I worry that you would just end up getting hurt again/more at this point. However, give it some time and maybe down the road someday we can grab a drink and talk about the weather.

Whatever happens now, take care of you!

-LS"

I thought that would be the last I would hear from him. I thought it sounded pretty final and to the point and I tried to be nice and spare his feelings a little. HOWEVER then he had the gall to write back to me and at first it started out sweet but then he said this:

"...I have known we have not been heading in a good direction for a while now. And I knew one of us was going to have to do this sooner than later. I thought it would hurt less. But you know me and that I put my whole heart into things. That also means that it's my whole heart that gets broken when things go bad. I would like to remain friends as soon as I'm in a better place. But I wanted you to know that I'm still thinking about you and still miss you even though i know this is probably for the best."

Ok, seriously?! He knew for a while that we should break up and did nothing about it! I gave him every chance in the book to break up with me and he always insisted that we try to work things out! That asshat! I wanted to say Adios over a month ago but only "pity-dated" him because he lost his job! What a waste!

Then this morning, he sends me a text to say that he misses texting with me. I decided not to text him back because I knew it would only encourage him. After about 20 minutes he sent me another text:

"I guess you are not feeling the same then, huh?"

I knew if I didn't respond he was just going to keep texting me until I did so I told him:

"I just don't think it's going to help us move on if we keep talking to each other."

Pretty direct, right? NO! He texted me all day and invited me to join him for a drink (ploy?)!!! Honestly? MOVE THE FUCK ON!!!! I ignored all of the texts except one to which I responded that I would not join him for a drink.

Ok readers, am I being too nice here? I broke up with him, told him I didn't want to be friends cause it would hurt him and told him not to talk to me because then he would never move on... What more can I say?

Full Stop Red

Hello my beautiful readers, I can't believe it's been over a week since I last posted. Unfortunately I've been sick in bed and not wanted to do anything except watch Twin Peaks re-runs and Real Housewives drama! Then just when I started to feel better, puppy got sick and I was an even bigger mess! I'm happy to report that puppy and I are both back on our feet! However, being sick still didn't stop me from a little adventure last week!

If you saw my Twitter Sunday night, then you may already know my news... Drum Roll Please... I broke up with Bartender Boy! I can put on my leotard and dance around to Beyonce again cause - Yes, I'm a single lady!

Just when I thought things might actually work out between us, we hit another wall and I decided that enough was enough. Thursday we were having a pleasant day of shopping at IKEA (of course we had the meatballs too!) followed by cocktails and 49er football (I'm a true romantic!). Everything was going great and I was feeling frisky and flirty sipping on my Vodka and Red Bulls. He was enjoying the game despite being an Oakland Raiders fan and I enjoyed watching a game surrounded by all of my 49er fans.

I should have seen it coming when we were at IKEA earlier that day. He was trying to pick out a new bedspread and couldn't pick between the orange or the beige, so he asked me for my opinion. I refused to pick for him because I knew that one day we would break up and then he would think of me every time he looked at the bedspread I picked out! I even told him this very theory but he refused to be discouraged from picking the one I liked best.

After the game had ended and Bartender Boy was outside smoking, I struck up conversation with a girl I had met in the bathroom earlier that evening. She was very nice and her friends were all big 49er fans, so didn't hesitate to give her my number when she suggested we all get together again for the next game. That's when Bartender Boy walked in on the conversation. Yes, she was gay but regardless of whither she was flirting with me or not, wasn't an issue for me.

I'm pretty, it happens!

However, Bartender Boy threw a fit when we sat back down and told me that I shouldn't have given her my number because she was flirting with me and how can I be so hurtful to him, etc....

Oh em gee, I was PISSED! How dare he tell me who I can and can't make friends with and also, how dare he assume that her sexual orientation would have any effect on me! I'm not gay so I'm not going to cheat on him! What a controlling dick! Why didn't he just club me over the head and drag me back to his cave!

I had kittens, I was so angry at him! This was not the first time he had pulled this caveman shit on me but it was the second time in two weeks that he tried to tell me what I could and couldn't do with my life. I was done.

I stormed out of the bar (walking out on a full cocktail) and headed to my car but he ran after me and blocked my way, not letting me by. Everyone outside smoking was watching him and I kept screaming for him to leave me alone and let me pass. The spectators finally started telling him to let me go too! Finally I told him I was going to call the cops if he didn't let me go and he finally backed off.

We didn't talk for two days because a.) I was busy getting wasted with the girls for S's birthday, and b.) I didn't have anything else to say to him. But finally on Sunday night, I sent him a text and, "So, I guess we are done." After a few more text we talked on the phone but that erupted into more arguing so I finally told him I didn't want to date anymore and that it was over.

The truth is that I wish we had never been more than friends or at least friends with benefits. He is a nice guy and I always had fun with him when we weren't trying to put our relationship under a microscope. But in the end, he and I were just not compatible and never would be. I know you can never go back, especially when two people are so stubborn but it would be nice if we could still be drinking buddies after all is said and done.

However, for now I am going to enjoy being single for a while. I have so many other things going on in my life that were interrupted by Bartender Boys constant need to spend time together. I am looking forward to having a clear mind, less stress and total freedom!

Stay In Touch Creme

Well, another week another load of crap. It's cold and rainy today, so me and puppy are all curled up in a blanket, in front of the fire with a big cup of HoCho (no "cho" for puppy tho!). It's an odd end to a long week. I was supposed to start a new job this week but unfortunately they called last Friday to say the job wasn't available after all. I really needed that job so I've been a little down and stressed this week. However, it's nothing a big cup of HoCho (and Bailey's) wont fix!

This whole unemployed thing is getting old and frankly, it's not a good look on me. I've reduced myself to realizing that I SHOULD put on make-up and do my hair when I go out, instead of it just being instinctual. It's a bad sign when people overreact when I do my hair and make-up! So, I admit that I have become a bit lazy. Why shouldn't I start my day at 11am? Who says Jimmy Dean breakfast sandwiches are not my new BFF? Why can't I wear my PJ's 24/7?

Normally, at this point in my cry of desperation I would jump up and go book a spa day, or at least go get my nails done and then run over to the book store or coffee shop and flirt with a cute barista. However, I am broke and the phone call I got yesterday from BMW Financial services was a harsh slap of that reality.

*Ring! Ring! *

"Hello Ms. LipSmacker, this is BMW Financial Services calling to let you know that you are WAY past due on your payments and your car will be repossessed if we don't receive payment by 7pm tonight."

"Oh, you didn't get my last payment? It must have gotten lost in the mail. I will send you a new check today, right after I get home from the spa, I will put a check in the mail. I promise!"

"I'm sorry, we're going to need a bank draft over the phone, we can't accept any checks on this past due amount."

"Can I pay you next week when I get my next UI check? That's the soonest I can pay you because I have to go to the spa and that's going to cost me a ton right now. See, I'm pretty and I need to maintain that, it's kind of a priority."

"Bank draft by 7pm tonight or the Mini is toast bitch!" (or something like that...)

No worries, crisis averted except I did have to sacrifice a much needed spa day. It's amazing how little I get done, given the amount of time I have to get bills paid in a timely manner! Being addicted to 12 different forensics shows and Storm Chasers is really killing my dedication to being organized! Did you know you can watch all of the back episodes On Demand on digital cable!

However, I am happy because I have figured out how to spend the least amount of time possible with Bartender Boy, but still make him think that everything is fine. We (he) used to argue about lack of one-on-one time but now, I make plans with him and then cancel but let him think it's his idea.

For example: I knew he was really stressed with school this week so I made early plans with him, knowing he wouldn't get his school work done in time, and then when it got close I called to check on him and convinced him that I really didn't want him to rush and "shouldn't your school work be a priority? We can hang out anytime, right? I agree that you should stay focused on what your doing and not rush thru it. It's Ok babe, I don't mind if we cancel tonight."

See, I'm good! Right?

He won't let us break up and believe me, at this point, I've tried. I don't mind being friends with him because he really is a nice guy when he's not trying to control my life, but that's not good enough for him. Fortunately, he always pays for drinks and he's very "attentive" in the bedroom and it's a nice change from most guys I've dated. My BGF-S has asked me to break-up with him as my gift to her for her birthday next week!

Is it wrong of me to do some online dating while I "technically" have a boyfriend?

Another bit of bad news I got this week was that my favorite bar, the fun and swanky, "925", closed it's doors for good yesterday. The bastard owner didn't even tell his staff, he just shut it down! I had many great memories there and met a lot of great people there. It was the place that brought me together with my BGFs - E and H and a slew of other great people. I had my birthday bash there, I quit smoking at that bar, I got support from the staff when the Car Boy fiasco went down and I never paid full price for drinks! Alas, it's the end of an era and if I had to very big pennies to rub together, I would buy the place. *Sigh* I guess I will have to go back to the Junkyard and start over!

Ok, so that was my long, sad week. But I want to sign off for the weekend on a good note, so here is my adorable puppy in her Angel costume - what a heart breaker!

Spice Is Nice Creme

I can't sleep so I've been stalking the Internet and all the wondrous joys it has to offer my insomnia. One thing is for sure - I will never understand how to properly use Twitter. However, in an effort to totally boycott Twitter's new "list" feature, I have decided that although I will never put Baby in a corner, I will also never put any of you on my Twitter lists! So, in true Boycott fashion, I have decided to instead, create my own personal "Mental Poo" list here on my blog.

Gentlemen start your engines:

1.) I heart Hayden P(something French sounding). More than her whole, "Save the cheerleader, save the NBC network" role... I watched her very teenageally challenged yet, emotionally stimulating role as, Beth Cooper, in the movie, "I Love You Beth Cooper", and fell in heart with her.

2.) I'm old. When I stop getting carded by the Russian immigrants at the liquor store and start getting carded by the 16 year old at the movie theater when I go to see a rated, "R", movie... I know that I have crossed over to the, "Looks Old Enough", side.

3.) I will from this point forward, dislike Alexis Bledel. Oh AB, how we grew in harmony together while I secretly envied you on Gilmore Girls - all but season 6 when the new writers had no idea what to do with you and Logan except make you completely co-dependant on his duchebagery! Now you go and star in a movie that is the exact same story as the book that I am writing! Unfortunately, you are yet again a victim of career destroying writing and the movie will blow and no one will want to buy my book! Boo, you whore!

4.) Will someone PLEASE tell Miley Cyrus that it's NOT a party in the U.S.A., unless you are talking about the strip club you have been working in? Huni, you are way too young to be that fucked up in your career to be dressing like a whore bad enough that even the Fug Girls wont dog you anymore! Stay off the pole and stop whoring yourself out to Disney!

5.) I get it that Popov Vodka is basically paint stripper but when you're unemployed, your liver really has no place to protest! It should really just be grateful I purchased the "Diet" cranberry as a mixer!

6.) Can someone tell Jon Gosling to PULEEZE go get neutered! No one wants to see another reality show train wreck about, "Jon and Date is 'Late' "! If you hate the media that much then WHY do you keep taking interviews? Dumbass!

Ok, that's enough snark for this time of night but if you have anything to add to my bitch list, then please post away!!!

Kisses!
-LS

Gifty Kisses

Hello my beautiful readers and Happy Monday! I was hoping to blog about some good news last week but it turned out that the good news was taken away from me as quickly as it was given so I spent the rest of the week drinking away my disappointment in bars with no Internet connection! Besides, I'm a strong believer in: Don't Drink and Blog.

So, in an effort to re-lift my spirits, after I recovered from my "candy" hangover (let's just leave it at that!), I eagerly logged onto my Gmail account to sort thru all of the costume contest entries. I couldn't wait to see what brilliant ideas you came up with for you, your friend, your animals and your kids! So, it was a bittersweet moment when I realized that only one reader sent me an entry. That's right, ONE PERSON entered my costume contest for a gift worth $80!! ONE PERSON!

I was certain this had to be wrong, my readers are the BEST! They love to get free goodies and participate in everyone's little reindeer games! I was certain ALL of the other entries had mistakenly been put in my SPAM folder. So I checked and there were 597 emails in my SPAM folder. OF COURSE that is where they all are! 597 emails and several cocktails later, I am happy to report that I now have ONE PERSON entered in my costume contest still.

For the record, she did submit two different photos, and here they are:

Photo 1: Spice Girls and


Photo 2: Captain Hook and Peter (and Tinker Bell's pixie dust) having a drunken battle!


A big congrats to JerseySjov for being the winner of my costume contest and thank you for being one of the three people that read my blog! For her participation she will receive not only the Go Smile travel kit but a huge gift box full of swag for her and her roommates! Enjoy ladies!!

Also a BIG thanks to my friends at SingleEdition.com for providing me with so many goodies to give away!

Don't worry, if you're one of my other two readers and the dog ate your .jpg, don't worry! I will have lots more goodies to give away soon!

As for the rest of my holiday, I enjoyed several parties and opportunites to wear my costume. I was pleasantly surprised that I managed not to get too grossed out by every other person's costume this year! I didn't make it to all of the parties I wanted to attend but I was happy that I got to spend time with all of my BGFs doing jello shots and playing beer pong - yes, I said beer pong!

Awards for costume greatness would have to go to my friends, E and Super Tall Boy for their costumes of Wonder Woman and Evil Kanievil (sp?), costume creativity to my girl H as a super cute Bumble Bee and Bartender Boy for his, "Ask Me About My Mustache Rides" porn star t-shirt. Last but not least, award for costume cuteness to me and S for being the most adorable no matter what we wear!

As for Halloween itself, I was surprised at how many people did NOT wear a costume at the bar! Boo on you! However, I did have fun. Bartender Boy (yes, we are still together) got a suite at the Marriott and we cabbed it down to the 925 so we could avoid all of the real cops (as opposed to the skanky 21 year old whores dressed as slutty cops). The DJ was rockin and people were dancing and drinks were flowing. I decided to dedicate a Miley Cyrus song to the bartenders and was thrilled that the DJ actually had it! Unfortunately the bartenders were not thrilled to have to listen to it!

When I told the girl in the wedding dress that I liked her costume (because I like to tell ugly people they look nice as my little contribution to society), she bitched that "it's NOT a costume, I just got married!" So I guess that clown dressed as a cowboy was actually her new husband!?

Anyway, I'm over Halloween till next year. Time to start Christmas shopping!!!

Mystic Rouge

Happy Halloween to all of my beautiful freaks and ghouls!!!! Hope you get lots of treats in your bags tonight!!!

Don't forget to send me your costume pictures this weekend to win a complete Go Smile kit worth $80!!!!

Masquerade Red

So tonight is the first of 5 costume parties I will be attending over the next two weeks. I have my costumes pressed and ready to go, shoes polished and all of the details down to the panties I will be wearing are all planned out! It's safe to say, after breaking into the Halloween candy last night (com'on, did you really think I'd save it for a whole week!), that I'm a wee bit excited to get the party started. However, my real excitement lies in the fact that Bartender Boy will only be with me for less than half of those parties and you know what they say... While the cat's away the whores will play!

The first party tonight will be in attendance with two of my lovely, curvy lady friends. They have coaxed me (only because costumes and liquor are involved) to attend a BBW party with them at a swanky club in the city. I have heard numerous hilarious stories about these parties involving a lot of snark and bad wardrobe decisions (on behalf of the other attendees of course).

If I can get away from that in time, I will be heading over to a Masquerade party at the 925 so I can bump into some local friends and get some drinks that are twice the liquor and half the price. Now that Bartender Boy doesn't work there anymore, I can finally be myself and enjoy the party!

Tonight's damage will be done as a sexy little Dorothy from Wizard of Oz. I would love to throw my pup in a basket and call her Todo but I'll settle for holding onto a drink all night instead!

Can't wait to came back and share all kinds of (hopefully) crazy stories with you on Monday! Have a great weekend and don't forget to get out your cameras and send me those costume pictures!!

Twilight Venom

Ok, so why are we in a fight? I know I've been gone for a while so that is why I'm trying to give you goodies to bribe you to come back and be my friend again!

Very few entries for the COSTUME CONTEST so far!!! So, I am going to extend entries to include Halloween weekend. But don't procrastinate, send me what you've got now, there's no restriction on how many photos you can send in! And if' you're the winner and you sent in your photo early, than I'll even throw in some EXTRA goodies too!!!

I know many of you will be hitting the clubs and the parties in your sexy French Maid costumes this weekend so take your cameras and your camera phones or your web cams and send me the pics!!

I have lots more goodies to give away to you my beautiful readers, but I need to know you want them!! My peeps over at SingleEdition.com keep sending me some really rad stuff that I can't keep all for myself! So if you like really great free stuff, then tell your friends to come on over and join the game!

Send your photos to me at: hotdoggirl@gmail.com and don't forget the contest now ends on Sunday, November 1st at midnight.

XOXO
-LipSmacker

P.S. - I'll show you mine if you show me yours!